I haven't slept since I was six years old. I have what many call Insomnia, or sleeplessness, or the "Sleeping Sickness" (regards to City and Colour). Last night I stayed awake through existential panic attacks, snores, sheep, Niquil, and Simply Sleep tablets.
You see, my mom committed suicide when I was six years old, and this incident has led me to despise the entire concept of the supernatural. It begins with a creepy fellow in a red suit who breaks into your house annually and ends with Jesus Christ. When I was younger, the preacher used to say that Jesus watched us all the time and that he had "the whole world in his hands." So, I envisioned a chair next to my bed at night with a man in a robe watching me. Grandma told me to never be scared of robbers or monsters because Jesus was with me. I'm not sure what I became most afraid of: Jesus or the monster robbers. I began to sleep with the covers over my entire body while meticulously leaving an opening at the mouth to breathe.
After the death of my mother, everyone said she was still with me everywhere I went. Great. Now two people are stalking me at night. I slept with my grandmother for years because I was scared that my bed was surrounded by two chairs and two people staring at me as I slept. She often had to wake up and turn every light on in the house and walk around holding my hand to show me there was nothing in the dark that wasn't in the light. She is a good woman.
Grandma eventually tried to get me to stay in my room by purchasing a series of tents. It started with a Beauty and the Beast tent and lead up to an extremely expensive three-man pop up tent. They stayed open and on my bed for years. I'd lay inside them at night drawing pictures on the polyester walls and forcing myself to think about Disney movies or boys and not the concept of existence. There is something so safe and beautiful about a small, enclosed area that shields from the great universal abyss.
I still have these same Agoraphobic tendencies today. I lock every door in the house including the door inside the kitchen that leads to the basement. I set the expensive house alarm and lock the door to my bedroom every night. I often keep my keys next to the bed in case I need my alarm "panic" button. I made my husband get a gun, and I hate guns. I adore single-wide trailers.
The solution that most people have for the "Sleeping Sickness" is psychology. I hate psychology. I hate it because it's nothing but analyzing and analyzing to try to solve a problem that no one knows the answer to. Psychology is one big subjective algebraic vertical asymptote. It's a rational function that approaches the x-axis but never fucking touches it. Psychology will never solve real problems because the real problem that we have is the cliche statement that asks, "What is the meaning of life?" or better yet, the unspoken fear in all minds, "What happens when we die?" There is no solution. There never will be. "There is no solution but to love and to be loved. Let's just hope that is enough."
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Psychology and Philosophy both seem to be senseless pursuits considering we have been pursuing the same topics for centuries. For myself, in regards to existentialism, it is the pursuit that makes life somewhat meaningful. Without the hunt why let the dogs out?
ReplyDeleteWhatever happened to your beauty and the beast tent?
i've been an insomniac since i was a toddler, but for two different reasons. i was add as a child...well...still am. and, my mother died in her sleep. ever since she died, i've been terrified of falling asleep and never waking up. so, despite my more rational nudges toward the bed, i stay up, fighting the urge to close my eyes.
ReplyDeletei understand your dislike of psychology in this sense, or in fact any sense. but psychology isn't trying to solve the problem because you're right, the problem can't ever be solved. psychology is finding the problem and understanding its sources and motives. psychology is approaching the problem and asking, "How can I make this better?" not, "How can I solve this?"
i could sit here and wax poetic and analyze your insomnia and atheism and issues with santa until the cows come home and sound like the most pretentious asshole that ever lived, but that's not what you want to read and that's not what i want to say.
every human mind processes everything differently. we can't expect cookie cutter results from even one event. but what we can do is step back and ask why.
the beauty and the beast tent unfortunately went to goodwill. I do still have the pop-up tent though. You throw it and boom...you've got a tent. it's an awesome invention that will never be used again considering this girl does not camp.
ReplyDeletei think that if anyone can turn my opinion of psychology around...it's definitely bekka :) i think i have PSYCHOLOGICALLY (this proves my beliefs in the practice) shunned the whole concept because of my experience going to a psychiatrist as a child and i really don't have much room to talk considering psychology was want i wanted to do all through my high school career and my first year of college (yes, i was a psych major...along with nursing, liberal arts, english, elementary ed...i could go on). I do think psychology is accurate. I think my mind just likes cold, hard evidence. it's hard to explain.
When you becomes a psychiatrist (if that's what you want to do), I will be your first patient. I'm stubborn as hell, but i will listen and obey as long as you write me a prescription for ambien :)