My job is glorious. I often ride home from work with a smile on my face and good music in the background. Then there are those times when I can't quite grasp the intermingling of the term "teacher" and the concept of moral values.
For example, I was just at the post office standing in line for 30 minutes (a bitch) to spend my own money (irony will be evident later) to mail my students' poetry off to an anthology contest. I left the "Priority Mail" envelope unsealed and the label separated from the envelope. I wanted to be sure I had the right one (I mean, they have damn 300 choices). The woman behind me leaned over and said, "You could seal it and put the label on it." *breathe, Mariah, breathe* I responded, "I'm not sure if I have it right." Bitch responded in an ignorant, ill-natured tone, "You got it right.Put it on." I ignored her. As I reversed out of my parking space, I saw her exit the building. I desperately wanted to gig this woman. And, then, the epiphany hit me.
I am a teacher. Teachers do not gig people. Teachers do not cuss. Teachers have never had a beer in their lives. Teachers don't know what whispers about "dime bags" and "shot guns" mean. Teachers are role models.
That woman could have been my student's mother. In this small town, I could have lost my job for gigging that woman because I am supposed to be the picture-perfect moral norm.
This town is a pit, an abyss that will never change. I will never be allowed to be me. Individuality is nonexistent for teachers. I have a hard time with this concept because I have a hard time with the concept of "right" and "wrong." It's a two-columned character analysis that I cannot complete. THERE IS NO Venn Diagram—just an empty canvas. If God is keeping score, I'll shoot just before the convulsive buzzer because right now, I do not get it.
I often find myself wanting to escape to the big city just so I can gig the car beside me or tell the cute blonde in the three-story Forever 21 to fuck off and lose the tube-top.
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Try going to another city for a day or two with the intention of going on a gigfest. You could even make a sport of it by bringing a friend along and keep score. The biggest bitch wins!
ReplyDeleteSomething you wrote does remind me of my favorite shakespear quote though. In regards to right and wrong he wrote, and of course you know this already (DORK), "there is nothing either good nor bad but thinking makes it so".
Ethically I feel I have the right to smack piss and stupidity out of anyone I decide deserves it. Beyond dealing with the consequences of such a pleasurable act I would not cringe, flinch, regret nor appologize to many in this tiny town of inbreeders.
i wouldn't have gigged her either, but for a completely different reason. i was taught to consider everyone's feelings, no matter what. i mean, can you imagine working in the post office all day? do you know how many stupid people there are in danville? what if she'd had a particularly bad day? what if she had a lot on her mind at home? does that excuse her behavior? no, but to lower your behavior to theirs without knowing anything else isn't the right thing to do. i'm not trying to preach, i'm just pointing out a different perspective...
ReplyDeleteok...but she didnt work there, she was standing behind me in line...and that was only suppose to be an example for the bigger picture. to me, the beauty of a blog is expressing the ideas of the individual, and that's what im doing here. no one person can be right about everything. i blog and i write these things as a means to WRITE and that is it. i enjoy it, and the beauty of writing is releasing the feelings that you feel at that time. so, instead of gigging her, i wrote this. i really would rather my blog entries be looked at as a form of art...as a piece of writing...i do not judge people for their blogs, and i do not want to be judged for mine. this ruins the beauty of blogging.
ReplyDeletei do believe in being nice to an extent. but honestly...she didnt know what i had going on either, and she would have deserved it. i am allowed to think this way and feel this way.
*concedes defeat* you speak the truth. i apologize for trying to sound like a know-it-all... <--not sarcastic, i swear
ReplyDeletei am TOTALLY in support of everything that you've said here, mariah. i've been in similar situations where later i've thought, "oh, thank god i didn't (insert "questionable action" here) because that could have been (insert idiot student's name here)." and i've breathed a sigh of relief that i didn't say anything, but does that make it okay for so-and-so's mother to be a bitch to you so hopefully she can save 4 minutes at the fucking post office and make it home before fucking oprah comes on? no, i don't think so. i don't see how it's fair at all to expect teachers to be these picture-perfect role models while their parents are the worst role models of anyone.
ReplyDeletei'm currently reading Teacher Man by Frank McCourt. it's all about his 30 years teaching in public schools--especially about the first few years. at a certain point in the book, he's irritated about all of these whiny papers that he he has to grade. he gives his students this "assignment" to just think about a particular teacher and what he/she does when they go home each day. he said (as if he were a student), "You know. After school, teacher goes directly home. Carries a bag filled with papers to be read and marked. Might have a cup of tea with spouse. Oh, no. Teacher would never have a glass of wine. That's not how teachers live. they don't go out. Maybe a movie on the weekend. They have dinner. They put their kids to bed. they watch the news before they settle in for the night to read those papers. At eleven it's time for another cup of tea or a glass of warm milk to help them sleep... Before they drift off, all those teachers, snug and warm in their cotton pajamas, think only of what they might teach tomorrow. teachers are good, proper, professional, conscientious, and they'd never throw a leg over the other one in the bed. Below the belly button the teacher is dead" (190).
as you've pretty much said, and this particular part in this book resonated in my head when i read this, there is a "right" and a "wrong" way for teachers to behave, but most of the rest of the world--and other professions--don't have to abide by those same rules.
i say, "Fuck That and Fuck You, lady in the post office line (and all of the tube-top-wearing, forever 21-shopping bimbos)!" it's hard being "perfect" all the time, but i am SO much happier drinking on weekdays and occasionally setting a particularly idiotic student straight than i would be if i were what everyone expected me to be.
[btw, you should read this book. i'm going to blog about it soon. <3]
bekka: everyone has an opinion, and you are entitled to yours too :) no hard feelings
ReplyDeleterachelle: a-fucking-men. i will DEFINITELY be reading this book (after i drink cheap malt liquor with you next weekend) and I could not stop laughing at the end of your post because that is PRECISELY how i feel (and because you just make me laugh and i like this about you).
NEW TATTOO IDEA, left butt cheek (conor oberst would occupy the right, obviously): "i am SO much happier drinking on weekdays and occasionally setting a particularly idiotic student straight than i would be if i were what everyone expected me to be. -RAchelle
AMEN.
Rachelle and I don't know what "gigging" means. Maybe we are not that cool, or it could be a Danville thing.
ReplyDeleteGigging
ReplyDeleteVerb-
The act of sticking up the middle finger directed at another. A common act used towards stupid people in Southern Virginia. See also "flipping the bird" and "eff you".
hahahaha. oh god. jc makes me laugh. but the main issue here is my ignorance..."gigging" really isn't a universal term??? im blown away right now. i had no idea.
ReplyDeleteLauren- maybe if you had put on your "I'm From Danville" thinking cap (aka camouflage/bright orange ball cap), you would have gotten it.