Yet Another Fireside Story About Religion

This is my release. I'm exhausted from learning, and I decided to use this as my relaxation time. What. A. Fucking. Nerd.

It's back. I'm a man and not a cartoon right now. I was discussing my classes at a religious university with a co-worker that I look up to, and she said, "I'm a Christian, and I'm not scared to say it." I then realized that I had no response. I couldn't agree because that would make me a hypocrite. I couldn't disagree because that would make me an atheist. I am neither Christian nor Atheist; I am afraid.

I can't help but think about life and eternity at all times. I was drawn into drama for about a week, and that brought my thoughts back down to a different realm. It was actually really nice. Look at me now. I voluntarily write religious analytical essays (if you can even call it that) and couldn't care less about the drama.

*add conforming transition word here if bothered by randomness* I just sat down to relax for the first time this week, and as soon as I turned the TV on, the History Channel blasted with a documentary on the end of the world. Coincidence? God, I hope so.

I find myself stomping out ideas of religion lately ("like a cigarette") because I'm just too tired of thinking about it. I've come to the conclusion that I need it. If I disbelieve everything I hear, (which i often do) then I'm indirectly saying that I will not exist one day. How could ANYONE wish this? That is the saddest, most terrifying fucking thought. Eternity is the goal considering life is so short. So, who am I to judge someone who dedicates their entire life to getting to heaven? I get that. I'm jealous of that.

I looked back at some old pictures of myself recently, and I missed me. I miss that naive girl with golden highlights and Abercrombie tee's. I miss the girl who prayed every night and didn't mind if there was no reply. I miss the girl who thought God might somehow make the boy in my keyboarding class like me--like. it. truly. mattered. I. fucking. miss. that.

I guess my main problem is I often feel ashamed when I toy with religion, and I often feel the need to change (but i don't know what i'm changing from!). The main solution is a question: "What if they're RIGHT?" I would MUCH rather them be right. There's no other choice. There must be something more.